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My wedding is in two months, and it is clear that every spare minute between now and the big day will be spent preparing for this event. There are “to-do” lists a mile long detailing every step that must be taken in order to orchestrate a successful wedding. This work of course falls on my shoulders, and therefore requires me to embrace the duties of being a Bride-To-Be. The problem is that in being a Bride-To-Be I must sacrifice every interest and activity that is my own. As a Bride-To-Be I must put my identity on hold in order to plan a wedding.
I feel ashamed of the fact that I have become consumed with wedding planning. It is one day that will speed by and feel amazingly short, and in the end it will be remembered as a party. I have given up my life to plan a party and I don’t even like parties! I have been transformed. I used to be the girl who talked about books and music, and now I am the girl who discusses the color coordination of bouquets and bride’s maids’ dresses. How did this happen? How did I lose my identity? Why am I having this big, demanding wedding if it’s taking the rest of my life hostage?
The truth is I know the answer to these questions…I wanted the big wedding, and I knew how badly my mother and soon to be mother-in-law wanted the big wedding. When we announced our engagement our mothers’ eyes instantly lit up as they began to fire off all the ideas and visions they had – center pieces, save-the-dates, flower arrangements….the ideas kept coming. At first it was fun, I too enjoyed all the initial plans. But being the detailed orientated person that I am it didn’t take long for me to realize the amount of work that goes into these ideas. For example, you don’t just select a florist, you research their prices and styles, interview them to discuss their visions for your wedding, and educate yourself on the symbolic meaning of flowers. Every detail of a wedding has ten more details that come with it. The amount of energy, time, and money that goes into planning a wedding was a rude awakening for me as a new Bride-To-Be when I thought I could just throw together a wedding.
By the time I realized how much work this wedding was going to be it was too late to back out. Deposits had been made, relatives had already booked flights, and our families were anticipating their opportunity to enjoy a free dinner and open bar. I had no choice but to go forward full throttle with the wedding planning. After all I do not want to be the bride that forgot some essential wedding ritual because she was too good to devote all of her free time to “planning.”
Some have listened to my sob story of being a Bride-To-Be and have suggested I hire a wedding planner. Sounds great, too bad I have absolutely no money due to the fact that cakes, bouquets, and invitations cost a small fortune! So no, there is nobody to do my wedding planning but me, and as a result I have little time and money for myself. There are yoga classes I have to skip, and books I have to put down so that I can devote myself to painful tasks such as finalizing the guest list.
Perhaps this incessant planning would not be so bad if I was not constantly forced to discuss it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that knows I’m getting married. Since the day my fiancé put my engagement ring on my finger nobody has viewed me as anything more than a Bride-To-Be. For example, when I sit down in the lunchroom at work, it never fails that somebody will ask, “How are the wedding plans going?” Every single day one of my co-workers asks me this question – every single day! I call up my friends to gossip and see what’s new in their lives, and the first thing that comes out of their mouths after a quick hello is, “So how are the wedding plans coming along?” I visit relatives who I do not see often and within seconds of their hugs and kisses comes: “You’re getting married! Tell me all about the wedding!” Even the man who changes my oil at Car X noticed my ring and felt compelled to ask, “How’s the wedding planning?” I wonder if all of these people have forgotten that I am a person, not just a Bride-To-Be. I am capable of talking about things other than wedding plans. I still have interests and opinions. I still read the newspaper and go to movies. I am still intelligent enough to hold a conversation about subjects deeper than up-do hair styles and bridal accessories.
Although these conversations I am forced to have can be extremely annoying, these friends and relatives are not the worse. No, the most terrifying part of being a Bride-To-Be are the other Bride-To-Be’s. They can spot an engagement ring from a mile away, and within moments of catching the sparkle on my left hand they zoom in and bombard me with their interrogations: “Have you ordered your invitations yet? How much did you pay? Who’s doing your catering? Where’d you get your dress? How many bride’s maids? What band? What color is your mother wearing?” Whatever happened to “Hello” or “Nice to meet you”? They go on and on, and really they never give me a chance to answer any of these questions. The questions are only asked to create an opportunity for them to tell me all about their wedding plans. Their conversations go something like this: “Have you gotten your dress? I got mine at Ultimate Bride, its ivory and sleeveless and…” they continue to tell me every detail at length. These women talk so rapidly and with such fervor that I can hardly tell if they’re taking in oxygen as they ramble on.
I am convinced these poor women have truly lost their identities. It seems as if they do not have any ideas or thoughts that are unrelated to their weddings. They are obsessed with being a Bride-To-Be. These are women who are educated, have careers, and at one time had an array of hobbies and interests, but all of that has been put on hold so that they can focus on their weddings. I actually know a Bride-To-Be who took a semester off school to devote herself to her wedding. Another one took a leave of absence from work. They are literally stopping their lives just so they can plan a wedding! I wonder what will happen to these women after the big day, won’t they feel lost and empty since the topic of every conversation they’ve had over the course of a year is now void? Will they have to totally rediscover who they are since their identity of Bride-To-Be has ceased? Will they be able to transition back to their school and careers after months of focusing on party plans?
Having given much thought to the plight of these Brides-To-Be’s it is clear that engaged women who want a big wedding often have no choice but to give up their identities. This is apparent to me in that I have to truly struggle to maintain a sliver of my identity that has nothing to do with being a Bride-To-Be. I have to schedule time for myself that is free of wedding plans. After an eight hour day of work I am lucky if I get 30 minutes to read in the evening since there are vendors to call and invitations to assemble. All of these sacrifices have forced me to develop the habit of counting down the days until I can escape the role of Bride-To-Be.
This countdown was on my mind when I visited some friends recently. There we were enjoying a bottle of wine on a beautiful spring patio, relaxed and discussing an upcoming film festival. This evening was a much needed respite after an afternoon spent with my mother selecting gifts for the wedding party. The relaxed ambiance was suddenly shattered when a friend asked me my most dreaded question: “How are the wedding plans coming along?” I knew it was only a matter of time before this question would be asked, but still I hated the presence of this subject. Could I never escape my Bride-To-Be status? Didn’t I ever get a day off? I looked at these so-called feminist and progressive friends of mine with frustration and disappointment – how dare they ask such a question! I was not going to fall into the trap of reporting the standard update of flowers and dresses. I simply refused to go there today. “Can we not talk about the wedding today?” I asked as sweetly as possible.
My friends smiled and nodded, and the one who asked the question said: “Of course we don’t have to talk about it. To be honest I’m sick of hearing about it, but I just always thought asking about it was the polite thing to do.” I laughed at this, relieved that they had not all forgotten that I was more than a Bride-To-Be. We then went back to our discussion of the film festival, and the wedding was not brought up for the rest of the evening.
That night I returned to my apartment that is cluttered with dresses, wedding binders, and party favors. I noticed a bag on my dining room table that I had not bothered opening since picking it up from the bridal salon the day before. I approached the bag with the dread of finding another task waiting for me. Inside was my veil and tiara. The veil was crumpled and devoured by wrinkles. Here was the next task to add to the “to-do” list: steam veil. I felt frustrated and again asked myself the question I had asked myself every day since becoming a Bride-To-Be, “Why aren’t we eloping?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to panic over all of the looming work. Once my eyes were shut I saw the veil smooth and perfect, nestled under the sparkling tiara that I was wearing. I had on my dress, fitted perfectly, and I was at the top of the aisle making my way to my groom, passing all of our family and friends. Everybody smiled and looked at me in awe. I felt relief that I was finally escaping the role of Bride-To-Be, but I also felt elated to have this fantasy become a reality.
I was never the little girl who dreamed of her wedding day; instead I was always the little girl who dreamed of her future career. I never “played” princess or went to school dances. From elementary school through college I avoided most of the typical female interests. Finally I am partaking in an event that every girl and woman dreams about, and I am excited to have this one typical female fantasy for myself. I am going to look like a princess, throw a beautiful party, and lavish in being the center of attention. I am going to be a bride.
When I opened my eyes I felt relaxed despite all of the wedding chores surrounding me. I knew then why we didn’t elope just like I know every time I ask myself the question. I want the wedding and I want to be the bride, and unfortunately this means I first have to be the Bride-To-Be.
